Sam's Treatment Experience

3rd May 2007 Mania

Stress is definitely not my bag. I don’t like it. It doesn’t like me. I mean a moderate amount is necessary but not to this extent. I hate to think what state I would be in if I didn’t have a full years cleansing, building and learning my patterns and triggers behind me. Thank God for Rumana, the supplements and the self awareness. Oh, and not to mention the self-help book phase I went through last year. I am close to burn out and I can feel it. I am angry and I am frightened. As it stands, the Mother is settling down to her new house, new life and to be fair I haven’t seen her looking this good for a long time. Her skin is back to normal and her eyes are bright again. John however is particularly attractive with his regained glow. Starting the new business was obviously the right move for him too. He is jogging again, whistling in the kitchen on a morning and he general aura is radiating all that happiness that attracted me to him in the first place. It’s as though a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. It is a joy to see. I love him so much. I heard him roaring with laughter on the phone the other day, you know those really deep belly laughs that you can only do when something has tickled you inside… was so lovely to hear him happy again that I started to cry.

Meanwhile, I wish I could say the same for myself. I am seriously questioning the decision to keep my job on as well as running John’s office. It is costing me my serenity. Admittedly I am wondering just how long I can spread myself this thinly. John looked at me yesterday and asked if all the change is too much for me. He says my sunshine has gone. I started to cry again and said I didn’t know where I put it. I think I lost it in the car on my way somewhere in a rush. I don’t like what the changes, stresses and worry over the last few months has done to me. I have clicked into default and started all my old behaviour again. Bingeing, drinking and all the other self- sabotage patterns I exhibit. I have even thought about the drugs again from time to time…..the only thing is I am too busy to suffer the after effects. Surely there must be a compromise? Maybe I need to allocate myself a slot just for me every week!! I can’t wait for the retreat to Orgiva. It’s going to be decision time.

5th May 2007   Chemical Sunshine

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! This is horrific.........I have been tangoed!!! I cannot possibly go out tonight looking like this. I will NEVER, repeat, NEVER have another spray tan. When I promised myself a slot of pampering at least once a week this certainly was not how I expected it to turn out. What is it about a bit of clever marketing that sucks an otherwise well balanced girl (ha) in.....I am thinking of all those marketing guru's sat in their wall to wall slogan-ed offices and right now I hate them all.....They have prayed on my recent lowness.......The '£9.99 look and feel like you have a shower of sun' offer was to hard to resist!!!  NEVER AGAIN!!!! Never mind a shower of sun....this is a bloody shower of s**t. I look like Jodie Marsh at a nightclub opening in Blackpool......I have to stop looking in the’s just too much....phoned our Jill and she said lemon juice would shift it. It hasn't. Phoned Jenny, hysterical - she said Boots the Chemist sold false tan remover so John is away on a mission of mercy to get me some. I tell you that man is for the high jump if he doesn’t come back with nothing short of bleach to help me out of this one!! Supposed to be going out tonight with my brothers and unless I can wear tights and gloves, this lady isn’t going anywhere!! Very, very angry with myself.......I knew I should have stuck to the 'Fake Bake' at least that stuff is organic. Note to self: 'Cheap does not always equal cheerful'. I am squirming inside thinking of the chemicals I have just put on my skin. It struggles at the best of times.......The toys are coming right out of the pram if I have to wait till its dark to go out. Gutted…..!! Was really looking forward to a good night; haven’t been dancing for ages!

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