Sam's Treatment Experience

Still writing ferociously, here's some more!

1 Jan 2007  Bah Humbug!!

OH MY GOD!!!!!! It’s New Years Day and I wish it was all over! This season of goodwill shit is just a bloody inconvenience now. I am surrounded by people with more snot than a nursery full of three year olds in November. (My immunity however is holding out superbly!!) I am thoroughly toxic and I am chewing at the bit to get back on track. The longer I leave it the further away it is!!! I have the Full Body Cleanse Kit and I am desperate to get it started- but I am in two minds….There is so much food left and so much temptation. How much longer have I to hold myself back. The longer I agitate myself – the more frustrated I am getting. This is addiction at its darkest.

Its 2am and I am making myself worse sitting here just hating. It’s too dark to run. I have put on three pounds and I have gained inches…….Bulimia calls. How easy would it be to just have one last blow-out….I promise…just one last one……..I don’t even need to be sick…I can just take clay. Why can’t I combine being healthy with compassion for others!!!?? I have lost sight of the goal. I have gone into automatic default mode. I know that I can combat this but I just don’t feel like it today…or tomorrow either!!! It’s as if there is an internal war going on between members of my inner community. Laughing Boy (inner critic/saboteur) is just running amock and bullying all of the other poor sods that live in this mass I call a body! I hate myself. I hate this war and I cannot see inner peace ever being restored. I am soooooo frightened. Yes. FRIGHTENED!!!! Is this not how it felt before. Loose some weight, have a good time, loose sight of the goal, start bingeing again……and before you know it FAT!!!!!! I hate this. Hate this. Hate this. I am frightened!!!!

7 Jan 2007  Hope

Appointment with Rumana tomorrow. I am relying on her to help me out of this default setting. I know I have to help myself. There are no excuses I know I am in charge of me…….still lost though and desperate for some direction.

8 Jan 2007  Saviour

Saw Rumana today and I have definitely come away with direction! I have to be honest with myself and admit that the whilst I thought I was prepared for the madness that manifested itself as Christmas- I wasn’t quite as emotionally prepared as I could have been. To be fair I don’t know anyone who does manage to get through the festivities without some kind of small breakdown or stress induced temporary insanity! It has set me back. I know it has….but the difference between me this year and last is that this time I can move on. So I had a hard time. So I binged. So I did a little bit of self sabotage. Well, that’s all fine but I can accept this and move forward. This is most definitely progress. I am ready to start some cleansing again. Will commence full body cleanse tomorrow. I am without a shadow of a doubt back on the proverbial track!

In my session with Rumana we did some work with my inner community. We (me and the little people) had a meeting. The outcome of which is that we will be less hard on me this year and cleanse gently and slowly. Laughing boy wasn’t so happy about all of this but I am in charge. I will listen to his point but if I need to ask for a vote I will and I know I have to take care of the majority. This feels so good!!! I am no longer dictated to by an entity that resides among the different parts of my personality that make up the whole of me! FREEDOM!!!!!!

23 Jan 2007  Disco Bowels

42 pounds in 42 weeks!!!!! Lost the gained weight from Christmas (which doesn’t count on the total) I have to get back running again. Even though the weight is back to pre-Christmas weight I am still struggling to fasten these pants. I know it’s just a case of toning up again. I wish the weather would break. I am desperate to run…imagine living in Scotland!!! Anyway, started the ‘Full Body Cleanse’ last week and I had forgotten the delight of not daring to pump in case you have backfiring incident at work!! Imagine? How horrific would that be? I do think however (now I am an old hand at this bowel cleansing) that I have managed to get the ratio of Clay to Barberry right. I have had none of the aforementioned explosions and aside from a little wind – that to be fair, may be caused by the amount of talking I do whilst I am eating. A little disappointed that no mercury has been passed (I read this somewhere). John says if I keep ranting on about mercury & pooh than he will be forced to place a sieve in the toilet and lock me in there until he finds my inner peace and returns it. Fool. The spots are coming back. I think it’s the cleanse.



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